Increasingly, abusers are winning custody of their children. This is beyond heartbreaking.
Controlling fathers frequently use custody and visitation litigation as a way to continue the abuse and continue tormenting their exes. Ava and I have been living this nightmare for years. Floyd has assured me that it will not end until he "wins the war." Ava is at great risk of living the horrors of maternal deprivation, and she is in fear of it.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Domestic Violence Victims: Beware the Family Court
This is a great article describing the horrors many abused women face when their domestic violence case is heard in family court rather than criminal court. I was unaware of this when I faced the biased, heartless commissioner who ruled over me in "X" County, WA. Also, at the time, I was unaware that she ranks as the absolute WORST commissioner or judge in the entire state.
(Full article here)
From Women's Justice Center :
".......the family law and family court system remain a flawed and risky venue for victims of family violence. It's especially risky for victims who present claims of violence and abuse in family court without any criminal case documents to back up those claims."
"When victims of violence against women try to deal with a violent relationship in family court, it's as if the victim, herself, is getting into a boxing ring with the violent perpetrator; a boxing ring where the victim must fight it out with her abuser using only her own devises. In contrast, in criminal court, it's the all powerful state that gets in the boxing ring with the abuser.
"In Family Court an Abuser can Launch Free Ranging Counterattacks against the Victim.
(Full article here)
From Women's Justice Center :
".......the family law and family court system remain a flawed and risky venue for victims of family violence. It's especially risky for victims who present claims of violence and abuse in family court without any criminal case documents to back up those claims."
"When victims of violence against women try to deal with a violent relationship in family court, it's as if the victim, herself, is getting into a boxing ring with the violent perpetrator; a boxing ring where the victim must fight it out with her abuser using only her own devises. In contrast, in criminal court, it's the all powerful state that gets in the boxing ring with the abuser.
In family court, the family issue at hand - whether custody, divorce, visitation, or restraining orders, etc. - is deemed a private matter of such minor consequence to the community that the two individuals in a family court case are on their own; each responsible for investigating, preparing, conducting, and defending their own cases. To be sure, they are each free to hire their own private attorney to help them if they wish - or if they can. But this factor also generally serves to further disadvantage a victim of family violence and to further empower a violent abuser, since it's usually the abuser who controls the family funds and can hire a private attorney, and the victim who cannot."
AND:
"In Family Court an Abuser can Launch Free Ranging Counterattacks against the Victim.
In Criminal Court, Counterattacks by the Abuser Are Forbidden or Tightly Restricted.
In family court the two contesting parties are presumed to be equal, basically law abiding individuals who have a disagreement over a private family matter. A core assumption of family law is that family disputes are not criminal disputes. As such, there are few safeguards built into the family court system to protect against the criminal dynamics that dominate family disputes in cases of family violence.
In addition, the accusations the victim makes in family court, no matter how serious, carry no more authority than one private person's say so. Given the totality of this framework, one of the most serious consequences is that when a family violence victim opens a case in family court against her abuser, the abuser is given equal opportunity, not only to fight back against the victim's accusations, but to put forth his own set of accusations against her."
In my case, I had to listen to Floyd's childish, aggressive lawyer bring up completely unrelated things to "prove" to the court that I was nothing more than a bitter woman who was angry about being served custody papers. She told the court about how I had traveled all over the world, making me sound like some sort of wild, out of control female. My own, wimpy attorney said nothing in my defense, despite my urging. I had taken THREE trips overseas BEFORE my daughter was ever born.....during my vacation times. Three measly vacations in all of my decades of life had absolutely NOTHING to do with Floyd bashing my face into a door frame in a fit of anger. The (dis)honorable commissioner even brought up my travels when explaining, in her ruling, why she didn't believe me. Instead, she sided with a man who had a history of fleeing his country to avoid arrest and living in multiple other countries before coming to the U.S. and staying illegally.....a man who, as was proven in THREE courts, committed perjury to obtain custody papers behind my back and ABDUCT my daughter in the middle of the night. The commissioner also stated that it came down to an issue of credibility. WHAT?!
AND:
"In family court, no matter how horrendous the violence claimed by the victim, the abuser is free to make any counter charges he wishes against the victim. And precisely because the abusers are, in reality, violent criminals, many seize the opportunity with a vengeance. They hurl all manner of back attacks, true or false, often with false evidence and false witnesses to back them up. You don't have to work with domestic violence victims for very long before you see the endless procession of cases where the batterers easily fashion the family court system into one more weapon he can wield against the victim, and a very sophisticated weapon at that.
For example, consider the case of a domestic violence victim who petitions family court to obtain a domestic violence restraining order against her abuser. Even if the family court grants the victim's request by giving her a temporary restraining order, the court simultaneously sets a date a few weeks hence for both the victim and the abuser to come back into court and to fight it out.
It's at that next court date that the abuser so often comes into court fully armed not only to shoot down her accusations, but also to launch his own set of unrestricted accusations against the victim. True or untrue, he piles it on: 'she uses drugs', 'hits the kids', 'neglects the kids', 'drives drunk', 'is crazy', 'won't get a job.' 'works all the time,' 'is mentally ill', "spends the rent money," and whatever other rant comes into his abusive head.
When this happens, as it so often does, victims who didn't understand the family court system are stunned. They naively appealed to the family court thinking the court's purpose was to protect victims like her from a perpetrator's abuse. She reached out to the court because she was already exhausted by the abuser. Now look! She not only has the burden of proving her own case against a violent perpetrator, she must now also mount a defense against as many accusations as the batterer wishes to hurl against her. And she must do it in an arena that was never really built to deal with, nor protect against, criminal behavior."
I was indeed called "crazy" though there was nothing to back up that accusation....unless going on overseas vacations is a symptom of craziness. I also had to stand there, with my silent, uncaring attorney, and be chastised by the commissioner about not bruising quickly enough. My bruises very rarely show up immediately. I'm a pretty healthy person. It's an extremely normal thing to not bruise within 30 minutes of receiving blows to the body. In fact, most of my bruises don't show up until the next day. NORMAL. Floyd's own video of me from shortly after the assault showed the beginning of my black eye, but the commissioner did not find that proof enough since the other bruising was not yet visible in the poor-quality video.
The commissioner also said she did not believe that my claims of abuse at the hands of Floyd in the years prior could be true because.....GET THIS: I had not reported those incidents to the police, and she had never heard of a woman not reporting a domestic violence assault. Even my attorney said he was baffled about that statement.
Washington State, in their own guidelines for CPS social workers, states that many women do not report domestic violence, gives the reasons for it, and trains their workers to be aware of that. But this stupid, worthless, harmful commissioner has NEVER heard of such a far-out thing.
AND:
"Family Court Can Take Harmful Actions Against the Victim. Criminal Court Cannot Take Any Action Against the Victim.
This last distinction we discuss between the family law and criminal law system is perhaps the most ironic. At the same time that the family law system provides only minimal protections for victims of family violence, it also has the power to take devastating actions against them. The most tragic example of this occurs when the family court wrongly gives custody of the couple's children to the abuser (see Part IV). Less severe examples, but more common, occur when victims who go into family court attempting to get the abuser out of their lives, and end up under family court orders that bind her to him in ways that are oppressive or dangerous to her, or to the children."
"....end up under family court orders that bind her to him in ways that are oppressive or dangerous to her, or to the children."
That is exactly what happened to Ava and me. The commissioner forced us, already extremely vulnerable, into an impossible and dangerous situation by making us stay in Washington State, in the same exact area, with no resources, no friends, no family, no job, and no way to go home where we had complete safety and an ability for me to financially support us. In addition, she ordered me to vacate Floyd's apartment within 30 days, knowing full well there was no way I could raise the funds or earn enough money to move into a place in that same exact school district in such a short time. She effectively gave us the choice of being homeless or continuing to live with Floyd.
By reporting Floyd's assault, I damaged my chances at protecting Ava in the pending custody battle. I was battered and traumatized all over again by the family court. I knew I would never be able to report him again (who would want to go through that court room hell again?) , and he knew he was now empowered to do whatever he wanted. He frequently reminded me that if I ever went to the police again, I would never see Ava again. He reminded me that the court viewed me as a trouble maker, and nobody would ever listen to me.
His temper then went unabated. He knew he had been granted the power to torment us relentlessly and he exercised zero control over his abuse, both physical and emotional. His rages intensified. We had to endure it. There was nowhere to turn.
Thank you to a failed, immensely screwed-up family court.
Note: This commissioner has quite the reputation for putting women and children in bad situations. She is known for ruling in favor of abusers. I have no doubt that her conduct should be investigated, and I know that numerous local attorneys would agree.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
"Boy abducted in Qatar sends 'get me home' plea to David Cameron" -- Via The Guardian
I cannot imagine the hell this boy is going through. Heartbreaking!
Complete article here
FROM ARTICLE:
A British schoolboy who was allegedly abducted in Qatar nearly three years ago has appealed to David Cameron to help reunite him with his mother.
Adam Jones was separated from his British mother while visiting his dead father's relatives in the Qatari capital Doha in October 2009. Since then the 13-year-old says he has been kept under virtual house arrest despite attempts by his mother, Rebecca Jones, to free him.
Adam also claims he has been punched and kicked by family relatives. He says he is not allowed out alone, has no internet access and is unable to call his mother. Cameron has written to his Qatari counterpart, Sheikh Hamad bin Jassim bin Jabr al-Thani, and the Arab state's emir to demand that "Adam's voice is heard" and that the case is "speedily resolved".
In a recent letter to Adam, the prime minister pledges that he will personally keep urging the Qatari royal family to ensure that his wish to return to his mother will be granted. Cameron states: "I was very sorry to read that you are still separated from your mum. This must be very hard for you, but I want you to know that you are still in my thoughts. I will keep trying as hard as I can to help you, and I hope your family situation will change for the better very soon."
In a handwritten addendum, Cameron states: "I promise I have not forgotten about you – and will keep trying to make some progress."
His letter followed a plea from Adam, who 11 months earlier had turned to him in desperation. Dated 25 April 2012, Adam states: "It is nearly one year since I wrote to you asking for your help. I was so happy when you wrote back and told me you would do your best to help me get home. Did you forget about me?
"I want to go home now and I'm very sad and lonely."
Adam reveals that he has also asked for Prince Charles's intervention because "nothing has happened and I think no one cares about me".
The alleged abduction of Adam is a continuing focus of diplomacy between Britain and the Arab state, his case having being raised personally by the Queen during a meeting with Thani. The Foreign Office's child abduction section is also involved, with a spokesman saying it recognised the "enormous distress faced by Rebecca Jones in being separated from her son and we sincerely hope she is reunited with him soon".
Yet Thani's written response to Cameron states only that he will try "to find an amicable solution that preserves the rights of all parties involved".
Jones said her son was effectively a prisoner at the high-walled, gated home of his Qatari relatives and was forbidden to visit friends. Even at school, the 45-year-old from Sheffield claimed, Adam was escorted between classrooms and held in a room after lessons to be picked up by relatives.
The ordeal began after she and Adam were invited to visit the parents of her late ex-husband on 3 October 2009. Rebecca was separated from Adam's Qatari father Jamal, who died in a motorbike accident in 2005, but stayed in contact with his family to allow them access to Adam.
On the morning they were due to return to Bahrain, where Jones had taken a teaching job, she said she received a call asking if Adam could visit his sick grandmother. She agreed and a driver picked up Adam. Shortly after, his uncle, Fahad al-Mudhaki, rang and asked to meet her to discuss dividing up the proceeds of land belonging to Adam's father. Although the documents were in Arabic, Jones says she trusted Mudhaki's explanation that they comprised paperwork designed to safeguard Adam's inheritance and signed them. "I just wanted to go home with my son and was not interested in the lands or money my son had been left by his father. It did not occur to me what would happen."
The documents were to be used to kickstart the Mudhakis' custody claim against her. Within minutes of signing, Jones says she realised she had been duped. She alleges that her husband's relatives told her that she had been deliberately deceived: "I'll never forget what Adam's uncle Fahad told me: 'I have lied to you and tricked you, Jamal did not take your son but I will'."
The Mudhakis had made a court order in 2008 to win custody of Adam, confirming to her the abduction was premeditated. A custody hearing was already arranged for 13 October, days after the alleged kidnapping. "I felt sick to the stomach to realise that I had fallen easily into their trap."
Adam, then 10, has been separated from his mother ever since, despite a series of custody appeals and Jones's offer to waive Adam's inheritance. A subsequent hearing ruled that Jones, who also has a four-year-old daughter Alex, is allowed to visit Adam twice weekly, but never unsupervised.
She says the teenager is increasingly depressed. Since being taken, Adam has seen his sister twice, while the Mudhakis refuse to let Adam's British grandmother, 74, visit him.
"For the last three years Alex won't sleep in her own bed," said Jones, "she's scared somebody is going to take her."
Fahad Mudhaki is a senior police officer, a fact which Rebecca believes he has used against her. During her first visit to see Adam, eight weeks after he was taken, she said that 15 armed police officers surrounded the Mudhaki house and Jones was flanked by officers throughout their meeting. She says she has suffered a constant campaign of intimidation, sometimes receiving up to 20 calls a day from police, and each time she enters Qatar to visit Adam is terrified that she might be arrested.
A document from the British embassy in Doha states "the child was kidnapped by his uncle Mr Fahad Juma Abdullah al-Mudhaki, a Qatari police officer".
Jones said: "I've been terrorised and treated as a criminal. We are still suffering every day without our little boy. The pain has not gotten easier as time has passed because I cannot accept what has happened."
Characteristics of the NM
From Sanctuary for the Abused:
Full article here: Narcissistic Mothers' Characteristics
From Article:
Everything she does is deniable.
There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to "help" you.
AND:
Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her. She’s also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She’s very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what she’s done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public. She’ll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”)
AND:
She favoritizes.
Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother’s tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn’t have to do that herself.
She demeans, criticizes and denigrates.
She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person’s side even if she doesn’t know them at all. She doesn’t care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you’re never right.
Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you and others outright that you’re unstable, otherwise you wouldn’t believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative.
You’re oversensitive.
You’re imagining things.
You’re hysterical.
You’re completely unreasonable.
You’re over-reacting, like you always do.
She’ll talk to you when you’ve calmed down and aren’t so irrational.
She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.
AND:
Once she’s constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she’ll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood.
She didn’t do anything.
She has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her.
You’ve hurt her terribly.
She thinks you may need psychotherapy.
AND:
She’s a liar in too many ways to count.
Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it’s a fair bet that she’s lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she’ll lie to them about what other people have said, what they’ve done, or how they feel. She’ll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility.
AND:
She blames. She’ll blame you for everything that isn’t right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened.
Always, she’ll blame you for her abuse. You made her do it.If only you weren’t so difficult. You upset her so much that she can’t think straight. Things were hard for her and your backtalk pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty.
AND:
Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your narcissistic mother is:
1) Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable.
2) Manipulating. She’s making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties.
3) Being selfish. She doesn’t mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way.
4) Blaming. She did something wrong, but it’s all your fault.
5) Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours.
6) Putting on a self-pitying drama. She’s a martyr who believed the best of you, and you’ve let her down.
7) Parentifying. You’re responsible for her feelings, she has no responsibility for yours.
23. She destroys your relationships.
Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all. In part, these women foster dissension between their children because they enjoy the control it gives them. If those children don’t communicate except through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children’s lives. Watching people’s lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don’t have any empathy for their misery.
AND:
The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her childrens’ relationships. The scapegoat sees the mother as a creature of caprice and cruelty. As is typical of the privileged, the other children don’t see her unfairness and they excuse her abuses. Indeed, they are often recruited by the narcissist to adopt her contemptuous and entitled attitude towards the scapegoat and with her tacit or explicit permission, will inflict further abuse. The scapegoat predictably responds with fury and equal contempt. After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as “concern”) about the other children, again, in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion.
Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious, and she takes full advantage of the opportunity that presents. While she may never praise you to your face, she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She’ll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.
The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.
24. As a last resort she goes pathetic.
When she’s confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness. It’s all her fault. She can’t do anything right. She feels so bad. What she doesn’t do: own the responsibility for her bad conduct and make it right. Instead, as always, it’s all about her, and her helpless self-pitying weepiness dumps the responsibility for her consequences AND for her unhappiness about it on you.
As so often with narcissists, it is also a manipulative behavior. If you fail to excuse her bad behavior and make her feel better, YOU are the bad person for being cold, heartless and unfeeling when your poor mother feels so awful.
Yep. That's Madge in a nutshell.
Full article here: Narcissistic Mothers' Characteristics
From Article:
Everything she does is deniable.
There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to "help" you.
AND:
Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her. She’s also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She’s very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what she’s done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public. She’ll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”)
AND:
She favoritizes.
Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother’s tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn’t have to do that herself.
She demeans, criticizes and denigrates.
She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person’s side even if she doesn’t know them at all. She doesn’t care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you’re never right.
Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you and others outright that you’re unstable, otherwise you wouldn’t believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative.
You’re oversensitive.
You’re imagining things.
You’re hysterical.
You’re completely unreasonable.
You’re over-reacting, like you always do.
She’ll talk to you when you’ve calmed down and aren’t so irrational.
She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.
AND:
Once she’s constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she’ll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood.
She didn’t do anything.
She has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her.
You’ve hurt her terribly.
She thinks you may need psychotherapy.
AND:
She’s a liar in too many ways to count.
Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it’s a fair bet that she’s lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she’ll lie to them about what other people have said, what they’ve done, or how they feel. She’ll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility.
AND:
She blames. She’ll blame you for everything that isn’t right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened.
Always, she’ll blame you for her abuse. You made her do it.If only you weren’t so difficult. You upset her so much that she can’t think straight. Things were hard for her and your backtalk pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty.
AND:
Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your narcissistic mother is:
1) Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable.
2) Manipulating. She’s making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties.
3) Being selfish. She doesn’t mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way.
4) Blaming. She did something wrong, but it’s all your fault.
5) Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours.
6) Putting on a self-pitying drama. She’s a martyr who believed the best of you, and you’ve let her down.
7) Parentifying. You’re responsible for her feelings, she has no responsibility for yours.
23. She destroys your relationships.
Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all. In part, these women foster dissension between their children because they enjoy the control it gives them. If those children don’t communicate except through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children’s lives. Watching people’s lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don’t have any empathy for their misery.
AND:
The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her childrens’ relationships. The scapegoat sees the mother as a creature of caprice and cruelty. As is typical of the privileged, the other children don’t see her unfairness and they excuse her abuses. Indeed, they are often recruited by the narcissist to adopt her contemptuous and entitled attitude towards the scapegoat and with her tacit or explicit permission, will inflict further abuse. The scapegoat predictably responds with fury and equal contempt. After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as “concern”) about the other children, again, in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion.
Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious, and she takes full advantage of the opportunity that presents. While she may never praise you to your face, she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She’ll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.
The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.
24. As a last resort she goes pathetic.
When she’s confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness. It’s all her fault. She can’t do anything right. She feels so bad. What she doesn’t do: own the responsibility for her bad conduct and make it right. Instead, as always, it’s all about her, and her helpless self-pitying weepiness dumps the responsibility for her consequences AND for her unhappiness about it on you.
As so often with narcissists, it is also a manipulative behavior. If you fail to excuse her bad behavior and make her feel better, YOU are the bad person for being cold, heartless and unfeeling when your poor mother feels so awful.
Yep. That's Madge in a nutshell.
Drama-free Christmas without an MNM
ANOTHER HOLIDAY WITHOUT A MALIGNANT NARCISSISTIC MOTHER
From Beyond the Cuckoo's Nest:
The holidays are approaching...yet again. I still have happy memories of childhood Christmases past. Occasionally my MNM would feign good behavior for the occasion, but her attempts at mood restraints were always visible. Still, being surrounded by loving relatives seemed to make up for it. Nowadays, she carries on the holiday traditions for my brother, the Golden Child, and his little ones. She also fawns over my eldest son and daughter in an attempt to further alienate them from me. My eldest daughter only recently got stuck in her grasp because my MNM realized she could use her for her latest plots against me. That's okay though--only because I have to let go of these horrors that I cannot seem to control.
I'm sure my MNM will be slobbering over everyone on Christmas Day, as she does frequently on Facebook, hoping it will hurt me, the black sheep. It is her goal in all she does lately. Again, I'm fine with that. I accept it.
I have been fortunate to find others like me who have been raised by cold, calculating, hateful mothers. It has helped me realize that I am not the freak I thought I was. You can't imagine how relieved I was to realize that I wasn't the only girl who had somehow "earned" hate and vengeance from her own mother, though I do feel terrible knowing that other children were--and are--going through such hell.
My own MNM was an only child who was deeply disturbed from the get-go. She had me as a teenager and never forgave me for ruining her chances at whatever life it is she dreams that she should have had. She reminded me of it regularly, and belittled everything about me. She gave me "the look of huge failure" if I even laughed too loudly. Long story short, she is a hot mess of steaming emotional shit.
When I, myself, became a teenager, her hate for me intensified. I wish she had carted me off to relatives like she had done with my brother and like she had done with me many times as a youngster. My parents divorced when I was 15, and I guess she wanted the child support she was receiving for me, so she "kept" me with her and lied about my little brother being there. Fortunately, she ended up being gone a lot, as she had enrolled in college classes in the city and started banging a young, smelly druggy.
She also tried intimately seducing one of my school mates into a sexual relationship with her. It was a female (underage), who ended up rejecting her. I remember my NMN screaming horrible insults at her, making fun of her physical traits. That was extremely embarrassing, as was her new routine of walking around our tiny town in short-shorts, ass visibly hanging from under them, after she quickly dropped some weight.
Thankfully, I haven't seen the witch for a few years and I'll be having a great drama-free Christmas with people who love me and don't use me as an outlet for their mental issues. I hope all others who are children of malignant narcissists will also find peace and joy this season and forever.
There is a future of happiness waiting. If you haven't already washed your hands of the tormentors in your life, do. It is the most important gift you can give to yourself.
From Beyond the Cuckoo's Nest:
The holidays are approaching...yet again. I still have happy memories of childhood Christmases past. Occasionally my MNM would feign good behavior for the occasion, but her attempts at mood restraints were always visible. Still, being surrounded by loving relatives seemed to make up for it. Nowadays, she carries on the holiday traditions for my brother, the Golden Child, and his little ones. She also fawns over my eldest son and daughter in an attempt to further alienate them from me. My eldest daughter only recently got stuck in her grasp because my MNM realized she could use her for her latest plots against me. That's okay though--only because I have to let go of these horrors that I cannot seem to control.
I'm sure my MNM will be slobbering over everyone on Christmas Day, as she does frequently on Facebook, hoping it will hurt me, the black sheep. It is her goal in all she does lately. Again, I'm fine with that. I accept it.
I have been fortunate to find others like me who have been raised by cold, calculating, hateful mothers. It has helped me realize that I am not the freak I thought I was. You can't imagine how relieved I was to realize that I wasn't the only girl who had somehow "earned" hate and vengeance from her own mother, though I do feel terrible knowing that other children were--and are--going through such hell.
My own MNM was an only child who was deeply disturbed from the get-go. She had me as a teenager and never forgave me for ruining her chances at whatever life it is she dreams that she should have had. She reminded me of it regularly, and belittled everything about me. She gave me "the look of huge failure" if I even laughed too loudly. Long story short, she is a hot mess of steaming emotional shit.
When I, myself, became a teenager, her hate for me intensified. I wish she had carted me off to relatives like she had done with my brother and like she had done with me many times as a youngster. My parents divorced when I was 15, and I guess she wanted the child support she was receiving for me, so she "kept" me with her and lied about my little brother being there. Fortunately, she ended up being gone a lot, as she had enrolled in college classes in the city and started banging a young, smelly druggy.
She also tried intimately seducing one of my school mates into a sexual relationship with her. It was a female (underage), who ended up rejecting her. I remember my NMN screaming horrible insults at her, making fun of her physical traits. That was extremely embarrassing, as was her new routine of walking around our tiny town in short-shorts, ass visibly hanging from under them, after she quickly dropped some weight.
Thankfully, I haven't seen the witch for a few years and I'll be having a great drama-free Christmas with people who love me and don't use me as an outlet for their mental issues. I hope all others who are children of malignant narcissists will also find peace and joy this season and forever.
There is a future of happiness waiting. If you haven't already washed your hands of the tormentors in your life, do. It is the most important gift you can give to yourself.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
~~<>~~THE DEVIOUS TACTICS OF A CONTROL-ADDICTED MAN ~~<>~~
"Floyd's" underhanded scheme to abscond with my daughter (A.K.A. his property) has been in the works for years. When his attempt at abduction via fraud and perjury failed, he started working on a new plan: To systematically destroy me and discredit me in order to "legitimately" win custody. Doing so will better enable him to legally remove her from the country.
Since he can't start making up lies about me being abusive, he is attempting to sway the family court to his side by personally destroying my life. He has been doing this by wearing me down financially and emotionally. Like he keeps saying, "You have no idea what I'm capable of!"
Oh yes I do.
Alienation of friends and family:
Some time after Ava was returned to us in 2011, I noticed that many of my friends started drifting away. I say drifting, but some of them got quiet rather abruptly....and at the same time. I tried chalking it up to me being overly worried, but it kept getting more and more apparent. Eventually, many of them would only respond to messages with short, distant replies or would not respond at all. I tried asking outright on Facebook if anyone had been contacted about me.....by anyone at all. Nobody would say a thing. No denials and no affirmations. I considered that maybe they were just tired of hearing about all my drama. I was, however, worried that they would think I was milking Ava's situation for attention, so I kept silent for months at a time. Doing so made me feel more and more isolated, but I couldn't handle the feelings of rejection, and it hurt me to think about what someone associated with Floyd might have been telling them. Had they presented any such information to me, I would have gladly explained that he and those helping him were just being ruthless and evil in their attempts to achieve their goal. I have tried thinking of what types of things I, myself, would need to hear in order to stop speaking to my friends. I guess I would hesitate to trust them if I had been told they were saying really shitty things about me. If presented with evidence, I'd be even more upset. If I found out they were abusing animals and/or children I probably wouldn't be too fond of them either, but I like to think that, before ditching them, I would give them the benefit of the doubt and let them know what I'd been hearing. My over-active imagination as of late has come up with many scenarios, usually involving someone impersonating me. It's very easy over the internet. One can create a Facebook profile using another person's info and photo and take screen shots of fake conversations. I've read some warnings about this sort of thing lately. So, if any of my friends are reading this, I hope they will come to me with whatever reasons they have for distancing themselves over the past couple years. If it is merely because I'm an annoying person, I'll accept that. If it is indeed because someone else has been "talking shit" behind closed internet doors, I deserve a chance to defend myself. I have no doubt that Floyd and his minions have been systematically driving people away from me....some of them were family members. One example: A close relative and I had been regularly discussing her new job and her recent health issues earlier this year. I contacted her one of those days to find out how her scheduled tests had gone and to see if they had given her an exact diagnosis yet. She wouldn't reply. I tried a few more times to reach her, to no avail. She would not answer. Up to that point she had been eagerly telling me about that new job she loved so much, and had been quick to keep me updated about her medical situation. Then suddenly nothing. And no....I had said nothing negative or even remotely upsetting to her. Another family member verified that she was fine, so it's not like she had fallen off the earth or anything. He had no idea why she had cut off ties with me. Then, a week or so later, Floyd, while on one of his "This is war and you can't win!!" rants, blurted out that he had yet another of my family members on "his team" and that there was nothing I could do. "I have all the power!" he said. He said that often, but each time he felt more and more empowered, he would remind me of that and what he is "capable of".
Interfering with my livelihood:
Imagine that after more than two decades of working in the same profession and never having trouble finding or keeping employment, you suddenly can't get anyone to hire you. This would render you helpless. Regardless of my experience and strong work history, while in Washington this year, I could not get a job. I had been trying from January (when my WA nursing license was renewed) to August. Sometimes, after I had applied, I would continue to see the job ads for a certain place. Why didn't they give me a call? I more than met the qualifications. I have more experience than most. It didn't make sense. As a test, I finally applied at a place far far away. They called me immediately. It was a location that nobody would expect me to apply in. Am I paranoid? Maybe, but I don't believe so. I truly believe that Floyd or someone on his "team" has been (likely anonymously or posing as someone else) warning people not to hire me. Also, during one of his proud rants about how almighty powerful he was, he did give me hints that something had been done along this line. Also, from January to August, he repeatedly threatened to put me in the street if I didn't pay him half the rent. He wanted me broke and in the street so he could get custody of Ava. He knew I'd have to either be homeless in Washington or go back home to Pennsylvania. And he had his "power" in the order preventing Ava from leaving the state with me. With the help of the "X" County family court in WA, he kept Ava and me in an impossible situation. He did eventually put me (and Ava, though he didn't plan that part) in the street. In August he terminated his lease without telling me. I wrote more about that here: Why We Left.
"Conflicting out" local attorneys who specialize in international abduction and/or interstate child custody:
This tactic was unknown to me until I started hearing "We can't take your case. Conflict of interest." from lawyers. It's an increasingly common tactic among parents who "play dirty" in custody disputes. Google "conflicting out divorce lawyers" and you'll find plenty of information.
Emotional warfare:
I have been battling for one thing only. The protection and happiness of Ava. It hasn't been easy. Getting her back after the abduction was only the beginning of this hell. I have grown more and more distraught every month. I have anxiety that sometimes feels like it will stop my heart. Sometimes, in extremely stressful situations, I can't even inhale....like my throat is closing. Some days I feel like any minute I will just stop functioning altogether. This is what he hoped for! He wants me weak and powerless. If any person who is helping Floyd with his power-hungry feast upon my daughter is reading this, I want you to know that what you're doing is beyond cruel....because, in the end, it is Ava who will suffer most. She lives in constant fear of losing me. She lives in fear of even having visits with that man. She becomes physically ill when faced with having to see him. I wish like crazy it wasn't like this. I wish he could be a normal, loving parent. I tried giving him more credit than he deserved for many years. I tried believing that he would change as she got older. I never denied him access to her, even for very long visits--months long (though I was present, and he was completely fine with that). I never denied him phone calls. The one thing I did not do was stay with him all those years ago. To stay with a man who was smacking and back-handing my small child and had taken up daily screaming fits and constantly threatening us (and who had treated my son worse than dirt on a shoe) would have not only been neglectful of me, it would have made me an accomplice to his abuse. So, whatever you do, do not suggest to me that I shouldn't have left. Even since we ended up stuck back in Washington with him recently, after being gone for years, I patronized him, kissed his ass, urged him to get to the doctor when he didn't feel well, and tried doing things that would make him treat us better....like having friendly discussions with him about everyday things, baking muffins every morning to go with his coffee, making sure his laundry was perfectly folded, etc. I can't explain how sickening it felt to know I had to be so nice to a controlling man who had cruelly conspired behind my back to steal my child. Also, I have always encouraged Ava to give him attention and respect even though it sent confusing messages to her. She became old enough to question why she had to be nice to someone who treated her so badly, but I cannot honestly discuss it with her, lest I be accused of "parental alienation".....which is one of those legitimate concerns that gets abused by some bad parents and their attorneys. But do not accuse me of alienating her from her father.....not when I have been doing just the opposite. Now that she's almost nine years old, she has learned on her own to "kiss ass" for self-preservation. She has even explained this to me in her own words. She has even reminded me that I, myself, need to keep up a facade. "We need to keep kissing his butt for now, Mama." How sad that a girl of her age (or any female of any age) feels that they have to coddle an abusive man. For far too long, she has lived with his threats to get rid of me and move her overseas, but she is a fighter, and the thought of being separated from me is unbearable for her. We've never lived apart. And I do not want to think about the abuse she would suffer outside this country. Nestled safely in his own culture, Floyd would have nothing restraining his fury. It is precisely this that prevents me from waiving the white flag!
Monday, September 16, 2013
~~<>Why We Left WA (and came back home)~~<>~~
Floyd, like many abusive men, is addicted to control. He must control the females in his household on every level. After driving me into poverty via his abuse of the court system, I felt forced to move back in with him. Money was not the only factor. The main reason was the protection of Ava. I had learned from my attorney that, not only would it be pretty much impossible to get supervised visitation ordered in the final decree, but Floyd would likely end up with full summer visits as well (since we lived across the country). Those visits would have been devastating to Ava. She has never lived apart from me for any length of time, and she would not fair well when put through weeks and weeks of emotional and physical abuse from her father. Without me around to protect her from his tantrums and violent outbursts, she would be extremely vulnerable. Without me around to counter his emotional abuse with consistent affection and encouragement, her spirit would be crushed. Without me there to monitor his physically violent outbursts, she would be backhanded all over her body. And then there was the ever-looming threat of international abduction. He was determined to raise her overseas and force her to convert to his religion. He was driven to do it. He still is....he fears an eternity in hell if he doesn't do this, as it is his religious duty. Given his history of court fraud and abduction, and his shady "lost passport" scheme, the risk was high. I, therefore, agreed to those awful, soul-sickening extended visits. Twice we were threatened into staying longer than the summer, and, this last time, we were stuck there long enough for him to seek a court order preventing us from leaving. He would threaten immediate court action if we went back home to Pennsylvania. Knowing that I faced self-representation (I needed much time to save enough money for another attorney retainer), and also fearing those imminent court-ordered summer visits for Ava without me, I was bamboozled into staying longer than we should have.
At precisely 6 months--the time necessary for Washington jurisdiction to kick in--he served me with custody papers which restrained me from taking her out of the state. He had known we planned to leave in January, and had even repeatedly said it was fine. He had insisted that if we stayed until after the holidays that he would be fine with us leaving. He also insisted that he had been putting in applications out east for gas drilling jobs. He even had me submit his resume to some of those places for him. He kept saying he hated his current job and wanted to leave Washington. He also kept saying that he needed to be in the western U.S. because it would be tremendously easier for his aging parents to fly to him for visits. Other times, he mentioned leaving the U.S. altogether so he could have an easy life working for his rich friend. But, as I said, he ended up serving me with papers forcing us to stay put. This was a huge "control buzz" for him. He was in hog heaven. The occasional outbursts we had tolerated over the previous 6 months turned into a daily onslaught of hellish behavior from him. We were not allowed to go for walks or run errands without obtaining permission. I was not allowed to speak on the phone with anyone--not even my son. I did so only when he was at work. I was most definitely not allowed to have contact with anyone in the area. Even during the first 6 months of the visit, he had prevented this, but now he made no bones about it--I was not to be around anyone or join any groups. Making local friends and/or acquaintances might empower me, and he would not tolerate that. He also consistently threatened me into not reporting his abusive behavior, by assuring me that I would look like a trouble maker. A family court commissioner had dismissed the first case (from January) that I had reported, and he took great pride in that. Even his lawyer had shoved that in my face in the court room by childishly doing the "pulled-down fist-elbow" gesture and saying "Yes!" like a teenager who had succeeded in getting the car keys back. I feared losing custody completely if they succeeded in making me look like a repeated trouble maker, especially since I had pretty much been spat on by the court in that county. I felt like it was absolutely futile to ever report him again. It didn't help that he kept telling me his lawyer "knew" people in the police department and (supposedly) had informed them that I, not him, was the problem.
His emotional abuse of Ava became more and more frequent. He often called her a "loser" or screamed, "Why are you so stupid?" or he would say, "Something is wrong with you!" and then look at me and say, "Something is definitely wrong with her! She is not normal!"....and he said those things for no reason other than Ava acting sad. He told her she would end up working at McDonald's because she is a dummy. If he asked her a math question and she didn't answer fast enough, he'd say, "You are not a good student!" and then say to me, "She's a terrible student! You lied. She's not a good student at all." He would bring home candy and bribe her to give him affection. He kissed her with an open mouth and did so all over her neck, face and mouth. He calls those "slurpies". She hated it. She withdrew in refusal and he would always say, "What? Don't you love your papa?" He got angry with her when he caught her giving me affection. With the bribes no longer working (she was getting older and more "creeped out" by it), he started threatening her by telling her he would kick her mother out of the apartment if she didn't do what he wanted. Those threats caused her so much fear that she would sometimes throw herself on the bed and cry, "Wake me up! This can't be real. This has to be a bad dream! Why is this happening? It can't be real!" I kept consoling her and promising her we would get this all fixed and everything would end up okay. He also begged her and threatened her to sleep with him at night (she always slept with me there). She would promise to do so, but at bedtime she would run to me. He would sometimes come into our room in the middle of the night and carry her to his bed. She always woke up and ran back to me. She did, however, play with him sometimes, when he threatened her because she was in constant fear of me getting kicked out. He often took photos during these play times, so he could prove that they were "close" and to make himself look like a great, attentive father.
In July, he had one of his big meltdowns over an unauthorized walk. I recorded it. I wrote about it here: A Sampling of Floyd's Abusive Behavior When he realized that I had indeed recorded that phone call (he thought I wasn't seriously going to), he went bonkers. He kept us inside and closely monitored. This was when I first got in touch with the local domestic violence people. Through them, I received legal advice from legal aid. I also started going to weekly DV support group meetings and got Ava into therapy (I had previously thought I wasn't allowed to do so).
Suddenly Ava and I were busy. Floyd's radar sounded an alarm. He was not pleased, and demanded to know where we had been on August 8th. We had just returned from our first DV group meeting. I only told him that we'd had an appointment. This is what set off the chain of events that ended up in his arrest a little while later. I won't go into the details here, but before he was finished with his rage, he blew a gasket and threatened to kill us. As in, he had me by the arms, slamming me into the counter, and I asked, "What? Are you going to kill me?" and he replied, "Both of you!" Ava was screaming, she and I ran out the door (she continued screaming), and he panicked. He called the police because, I assume, he worried that the neighbors would be calling them and he wanted to try to diffuse things before he got in trouble. I think he was going to try to turn on the charm and let them know what a psycho trouble-making woman I was (she's crazy. Even her mother hates her, etc. etc.), so they wouldn't look at him as a perpetrator. After speaking with him and Ava and me, they arrested him. I was amazed out how detailed Ava's recall had been. Under the stress, I wasn't nearly as good at explaining what had happened. Ava, unaware of his arrest, was terrified that he was going to come back in. She screamed at every noise outside the door. I explained to her that they had taken him elsewhere for the night, and she almost cried tears of joy. She kept saying, "Is it over? Is my nightmare over? I feel like I'm waking up! I am, I am waking up! It's over, isn't it?" and on and on.
The next day, I received a call from the landlady telling me that Floyd had put in his notice on August 1st, and had asked her to use his deposit as his last month's rent. She wanted to know if I would be renting the apartment or if I would also be moving out. This was news to me. He had intentionally decided to displace me so I would end up in the street and lose custody completely. Ava and I suddenly needed to find somewhere to live. The DV shelters were nearly always full. Some of the women in my group had been waiting for a space to open for quite some time. I had no people in the area, no job in the area, and wasn't allowed to take Ava out of state? In September we were to become homeless with no school district. I still had our airline tickets from January. They were non-refundable, so I had been changing them over and over while we were stuck there. I made the decision to change them again and fly home. It was either that or live in the street with my daughter.
Ava is now back at home with the people who love her, and back in the school she has been missing so much. She is with her old friends again, and has the security that she was begging to go back to for the last year. If we can't stay, she is doomed to a very grim future and more emotional turmoil than I can stand to think about. With Floyd's threats to cut her throat, her life could end altogether. He intends to win his beloved "war" just as he told me over and over. I just don't know if he intends to follow through with killing her or with his threat to remove her from the country. Either way.....the thought is unbearable. The stress is killing me.
At precisely 6 months--the time necessary for Washington jurisdiction to kick in--he served me with custody papers which restrained me from taking her out of the state. He had known we planned to leave in January, and had even repeatedly said it was fine. He had insisted that if we stayed until after the holidays that he would be fine with us leaving. He also insisted that he had been putting in applications out east for gas drilling jobs. He even had me submit his resume to some of those places for him. He kept saying he hated his current job and wanted to leave Washington. He also kept saying that he needed to be in the western U.S. because it would be tremendously easier for his aging parents to fly to him for visits. Other times, he mentioned leaving the U.S. altogether so he could have an easy life working for his rich friend. But, as I said, he ended up serving me with papers forcing us to stay put. This was a huge "control buzz" for him. He was in hog heaven. The occasional outbursts we had tolerated over the previous 6 months turned into a daily onslaught of hellish behavior from him. We were not allowed to go for walks or run errands without obtaining permission. I was not allowed to speak on the phone with anyone--not even my son. I did so only when he was at work. I was most definitely not allowed to have contact with anyone in the area. Even during the first 6 months of the visit, he had prevented this, but now he made no bones about it--I was not to be around anyone or join any groups. Making local friends and/or acquaintances might empower me, and he would not tolerate that. He also consistently threatened me into not reporting his abusive behavior, by assuring me that I would look like a trouble maker. A family court commissioner had dismissed the first case (from January) that I had reported, and he took great pride in that. Even his lawyer had shoved that in my face in the court room by childishly doing the "pulled-down fist-elbow" gesture and saying "Yes!" like a teenager who had succeeded in getting the car keys back. I feared losing custody completely if they succeeded in making me look like a repeated trouble maker, especially since I had pretty much been spat on by the court in that county. I felt like it was absolutely futile to ever report him again. It didn't help that he kept telling me his lawyer "knew" people in the police department and (supposedly) had informed them that I, not him, was the problem.
His emotional abuse of Ava became more and more frequent. He often called her a "loser" or screamed, "Why are you so stupid?" or he would say, "Something is wrong with you!" and then look at me and say, "Something is definitely wrong with her! She is not normal!"....and he said those things for no reason other than Ava acting sad. He told her she would end up working at McDonald's because she is a dummy. If he asked her a math question and she didn't answer fast enough, he'd say, "You are not a good student!" and then say to me, "She's a terrible student! You lied. She's not a good student at all." He would bring home candy and bribe her to give him affection. He kissed her with an open mouth and did so all over her neck, face and mouth. He calls those "slurpies". She hated it. She withdrew in refusal and he would always say, "What? Don't you love your papa?" He got angry with her when he caught her giving me affection. With the bribes no longer working (she was getting older and more "creeped out" by it), he started threatening her by telling her he would kick her mother out of the apartment if she didn't do what he wanted. Those threats caused her so much fear that she would sometimes throw herself on the bed and cry, "Wake me up! This can't be real. This has to be a bad dream! Why is this happening? It can't be real!" I kept consoling her and promising her we would get this all fixed and everything would end up okay. He also begged her and threatened her to sleep with him at night (she always slept with me there). She would promise to do so, but at bedtime she would run to me. He would sometimes come into our room in the middle of the night and carry her to his bed. She always woke up and ran back to me. She did, however, play with him sometimes, when he threatened her because she was in constant fear of me getting kicked out. He often took photos during these play times, so he could prove that they were "close" and to make himself look like a great, attentive father.
In July, he had one of his big meltdowns over an unauthorized walk. I recorded it. I wrote about it here: A Sampling of Floyd's Abusive Behavior When he realized that I had indeed recorded that phone call (he thought I wasn't seriously going to), he went bonkers. He kept us inside and closely monitored. This was when I first got in touch with the local domestic violence people. Through them, I received legal advice from legal aid. I also started going to weekly DV support group meetings and got Ava into therapy (I had previously thought I wasn't allowed to do so).
Suddenly Ava and I were busy. Floyd's radar sounded an alarm. He was not pleased, and demanded to know where we had been on August 8th. We had just returned from our first DV group meeting. I only told him that we'd had an appointment. This is what set off the chain of events that ended up in his arrest a little while later. I won't go into the details here, but before he was finished with his rage, he blew a gasket and threatened to kill us. As in, he had me by the arms, slamming me into the counter, and I asked, "What? Are you going to kill me?" and he replied, "Both of you!" Ava was screaming, she and I ran out the door (she continued screaming), and he panicked. He called the police because, I assume, he worried that the neighbors would be calling them and he wanted to try to diffuse things before he got in trouble. I think he was going to try to turn on the charm and let them know what a psycho trouble-making woman I was (she's crazy. Even her mother hates her, etc. etc.), so they wouldn't look at him as a perpetrator. After speaking with him and Ava and me, they arrested him. I was amazed out how detailed Ava's recall had been. Under the stress, I wasn't nearly as good at explaining what had happened. Ava, unaware of his arrest, was terrified that he was going to come back in. She screamed at every noise outside the door. I explained to her that they had taken him elsewhere for the night, and she almost cried tears of joy. She kept saying, "Is it over? Is my nightmare over? I feel like I'm waking up! I am, I am waking up! It's over, isn't it?" and on and on.
The next day, I received a call from the landlady telling me that Floyd had put in his notice on August 1st, and had asked her to use his deposit as his last month's rent. She wanted to know if I would be renting the apartment or if I would also be moving out. This was news to me. He had intentionally decided to displace me so I would end up in the street and lose custody completely. Ava and I suddenly needed to find somewhere to live. The DV shelters were nearly always full. Some of the women in my group had been waiting for a space to open for quite some time. I had no people in the area, no job in the area, and wasn't allowed to take Ava out of state? In September we were to become homeless with no school district. I still had our airline tickets from January. They were non-refundable, so I had been changing them over and over while we were stuck there. I made the decision to change them again and fly home. It was either that or live in the street with my daughter.
Ava is now back at home with the people who love her, and back in the school she has been missing so much. She is with her old friends again, and has the security that she was begging to go back to for the last year. If we can't stay, she is doomed to a very grim future and more emotional turmoil than I can stand to think about. With Floyd's threats to cut her throat, her life could end altogether. He intends to win his beloved "war" just as he told me over and over. I just don't know if he intends to follow through with killing her or with his threat to remove her from the country. Either way.....the thought is unbearable. The stress is killing me.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
~<>~ FLOYD'S CREDIBILITY (LACK OF) ~<>~
Floyd has no respect for the laws of the United States. He says that he is not required to obey any laws except those in the Koran.
1. Committed welfare fraud in Washington in 2009 and 2010. Claimed Ava was living with him and collected benefits for her. I have confirmed this. (She has always lived with me, and she and I had been living in Missouri since 2008.)
2. Perjury: Lied to a court in King County, WA in the summer of 2010. Ava and I were in Washington for a short visit because his parents were visiting from overseas. I had agreed to bring Ava for a visit before our move (from Missouri) to Pennsylvania. The day we were to leave, he grabbed Ava and ran out the door with her. We missed our flight. He took her to a lawyer's office. They went to the courthouse in downtown Seattle and obtained an ex parte order that prevented me from removing Ava "from the home". He had told his lawyer and the judge that Ava and I lived with him in Washington. He came back with officers who served me the papers. It was Friday evening by this time, so Ava and I stayed in a hotel for the weekend, and hired an attorney on Monday. She, Ava and I went to the judge and had the order quashed. Both the judge and Floyd's attorney were quite displeased with him. We purchased new flights and flew home the next day to Pennsylvania.
3. Perjury: Filed a divorce/custody case in WA state. Then, without having that case dismissed, he filed one in Missouri. In the Missouri case, he contradicted what he attested in the WA ex parte case by attesting, “Respondent is and has been a resident of the State of Missouri for at least ninety days immediately preceding the filing of this petition.”
Also, in the MO case, he attested that he had no knowledge of any other pending divorce case.
5. Fraudulent service of process: Flew a friend from Seattle to Pennsylvania while he (Floyd) was in PA for an agreed-upon visit with Ava (supervised by me). Took that friend to a notary and had him sign the service of process affidavit saying he (the friend) had served me the Missouri court case papers. I was absolutely never served. Floyd was friendly during the whole visit, and I never suspected a thing. (I have since obtained the boarding passes for this friend.)
6. Colluded (in Oct. 2010) with the co-owner of a motel in Pennsylvania (the one where he was staying in October of 2010 during the visit) to commit mail fraud. This was the motel which was listed (by Floyd) as my personal street address in the MO court papers. He told this woman that she would be helping to rescue his child from a bad situation if she held onto all mail that arrived for me (rather than return it to sender). She did hold onto it. (I met her months later. She kicked me out of her motel as soon as I told her my name. She then immediately returned----to senders----all the mail in my name that she had been holding. Floyd's lawyer testified to this in court in Jan. 2011.)
7. Parental abduction: In January of 2011, Floyd was granted (by default) full custody of Ava in the Missouri court case because I had been completely unaware of its existence and had not shown up in court. He then (same month) came to Pennsylvania in January for another agreed-upon visit. Oblivious to what to the scams he had been pulling behind my back, I agreed to one overnight visit unsupervised. He had been talking for months about moving to PA, and had even spoken of the places he had been checking into for employment. I had been successfully duped. I left him with her at the (same as before) motel one evening, and said I would be back as soon as I got off work the next afternoon. He absconded with her at 4am, telling her they were going on a visit to Minneapolis (why MN, I have no idea) and they flew to his home in Seattle. I found out when I called to tell him I was leaving work and would be picking her up. He, still acting friendly, said, "Don't freak out! There was a work emergency (he was unemployed) and I had to come back right away to work on a project. We'll only be here for 4 days." Naturally, I did freak out, and worked constantly on getting her back--it took 3 weeks, 4 lawyers and a lot of traveling. All three courts (in MO, PA and WA) agreed that I had not been served and that he had fraudulently absconded with her.
Note: I didn't find out about the Missouri decree until the next day (either that or the second day) when "Matt" discovered it online (after much searching)----we had been searching because Floyd had finally blurted out, on the phone, "I have full custody! There's nothing you can do!"
8. Filed a false police report: Filed a police report in Seattle, claiming that "Matt" (my bf) had texted him a death threat. Even after admitting to Matt (during a phone call) that it was untrue, he refused to drop the issue. He (Floyd) even told my Seattle attorney that the reason he was pushing it was because it was the only way he could make himself look like a victim. He did not say, "I'm the victim and I need to show it." he really did say, "It's the only way I can make myself look like a victim."
9. Filed a false police report: Shortly after my daughter was back at home in Pennsylvania, Floyd hired an attorney there and arranged a 24-hour visit. My attorney said we should go along with this to show the court that I was willing to work with the other parent. The agreed-upon arrangement was that Floyd would hand over his (Moroccan) passport to his attorney for the duration of the visit. A couple days before the visit was to take place (in PA), Floyd contacted his attorney to tell him that someone broke into his car and stole his passport, and that he had filed a police report to prove it. His attorney advised him that, without the passport, the visitation would not occur. The passport did miraculously appear before the visit. I believe there is something in his passport that shows his intention of internationally absconding with Ava, either from when he had abducted her or for the 24-hour visit. It seemed very odd to me that he needed that one 24-hour visit with her so quickly after we got her back.....so badly needed it that he hired an attorney and flew across the country to spend one night with her. He had just had her for 3 weeks--it just didn't make sense.
(There is more)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Committed welfare fraud in Washington in 2009 and 2010. Claimed Ava was living with him and collected benefits for her. I have confirmed this. (She has always lived with me, and she and I had been living in Missouri since 2008.)
2. Perjury: Lied to a court in King County, WA in the summer of 2010. Ava and I were in Washington for a short visit because his parents were visiting from overseas. I had agreed to bring Ava for a visit before our move (from Missouri) to Pennsylvania. The day we were to leave, he grabbed Ava and ran out the door with her. We missed our flight. He took her to a lawyer's office. They went to the courthouse in downtown Seattle and obtained an ex parte order that prevented me from removing Ava "from the home". He had told his lawyer and the judge that Ava and I lived with him in Washington. He came back with officers who served me the papers. It was Friday evening by this time, so Ava and I stayed in a hotel for the weekend, and hired an attorney on Monday. She, Ava and I went to the judge and had the order quashed. Both the judge and Floyd's attorney were quite displeased with him. We purchased new flights and flew home the next day to Pennsylvania.
3. Perjury: Filed a divorce/custody case in WA state. Then, without having that case dismissed, he filed one in Missouri. In the Missouri case, he contradicted what he attested in the WA ex parte case by attesting, “Respondent is and has been a resident of the State of Missouri for at least ninety days immediately preceding the filing of this petition.”
Also, in the MO case, he attested that he had no knowledge of any other pending divorce case.
4. Perjury: Filed a custody case in the state of Missouri. Lied to his lawyer and the court by giving them a false address for me and for himself. He provided (in all the documents) my address as being one that actually belonged to a motel in Pennsylvania. This was so I would not receive any mail associated with the case (such as from his attorney).
5. Fraudulent service of process: Flew a friend from Seattle to Pennsylvania while he (Floyd) was in PA for an agreed-upon visit with Ava (supervised by me). Took that friend to a notary and had him sign the service of process affidavit saying he (the friend) had served me the Missouri court case papers. I was absolutely never served. Floyd was friendly during the whole visit, and I never suspected a thing. (I have since obtained the boarding passes for this friend.)
6. Colluded (in Oct. 2010) with the co-owner of a motel in Pennsylvania (the one where he was staying in October of 2010 during the visit) to commit mail fraud. This was the motel which was listed (by Floyd) as my personal street address in the MO court papers. He told this woman that she would be helping to rescue his child from a bad situation if she held onto all mail that arrived for me (rather than return it to sender). She did hold onto it. (I met her months later. She kicked me out of her motel as soon as I told her my name. She then immediately returned----to senders----all the mail in my name that she had been holding. Floyd's lawyer testified to this in court in Jan. 2011.)
7. Parental abduction: In January of 2011, Floyd was granted (by default) full custody of Ava in the Missouri court case because I had been completely unaware of its existence and had not shown up in court. He then (same month) came to Pennsylvania in January for another agreed-upon visit. Oblivious to what to the scams he had been pulling behind my back, I agreed to one overnight visit unsupervised. He had been talking for months about moving to PA, and had even spoken of the places he had been checking into for employment. I had been successfully duped. I left him with her at the (same as before) motel one evening, and said I would be back as soon as I got off work the next afternoon. He absconded with her at 4am, telling her they were going on a visit to Minneapolis (why MN, I have no idea) and they flew to his home in Seattle. I found out when I called to tell him I was leaving work and would be picking her up. He, still acting friendly, said, "Don't freak out! There was a work emergency (he was unemployed) and I had to come back right away to work on a project. We'll only be here for 4 days." Naturally, I did freak out, and worked constantly on getting her back--it took 3 weeks, 4 lawyers and a lot of traveling. All three courts (in MO, PA and WA) agreed that I had not been served and that he had fraudulently absconded with her.
Note: I didn't find out about the Missouri decree until the next day (either that or the second day) when "Matt" discovered it online (after much searching)----we had been searching because Floyd had finally blurted out, on the phone, "I have full custody! There's nothing you can do!"
8. Filed a false police report: Filed a police report in Seattle, claiming that "Matt" (my bf) had texted him a death threat. Even after admitting to Matt (during a phone call) that it was untrue, he refused to drop the issue. He (Floyd) even told my Seattle attorney that the reason he was pushing it was because it was the only way he could make himself look like a victim. He did not say, "I'm the victim and I need to show it." he really did say, "It's the only way I can make myself look like a victim."
9. Filed a false police report: Shortly after my daughter was back at home in Pennsylvania, Floyd hired an attorney there and arranged a 24-hour visit. My attorney said we should go along with this to show the court that I was willing to work with the other parent. The agreed-upon arrangement was that Floyd would hand over his (Moroccan) passport to his attorney for the duration of the visit. A couple days before the visit was to take place (in PA), Floyd contacted his attorney to tell him that someone broke into his car and stole his passport, and that he had filed a police report to prove it. His attorney advised him that, without the passport, the visitation would not occur. The passport did miraculously appear before the visit. I believe there is something in his passport that shows his intention of internationally absconding with Ava, either from when he had abducted her or for the 24-hour visit. It seemed very odd to me that he needed that one 24-hour visit with her so quickly after we got her back.....so badly needed it that he hired an attorney and flew across the country to spend one night with her. He had just had her for 3 weeks--it just didn't make sense.
(There is more)
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
~<>~A Sampling of Floyd's Abusive Behavior~<>~
As with some of my posts, this is a work in progress. May take a few days before I finish.
Note: This is not appropriate for all eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
June 2, 2013
Floyd was fighting with Ava again. They were in the living room, and he repeatedly ordered her to get away from him. She was not being difficult or overly-energetic. She was in a happy mood. He told her "stay the hell away from me." She ran into the bedroom and told me he had hit her hard on her butt.
A few minutes later, he gave her a plate of food he had cooked. She brought it into the bedroom because he had recently told her to stay away from him. He came to the bedroom doorway and commanded her to eat in the other room with him. She said no and tried to shut the door. He got his thumb caught in the door and screamed some cuss words, called her a little shit and ran into his own bedroom. Ava ran after him yelling that she was sorry and asking him if he was okay. He screamed and cussed at her, told her to go to hell and never come near him again. He went into the kitchen and proceeded to tell her what a loser she was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
July 19th, 2013
On this day, my daughter and I went for an unauthorized walk. We went for walks frequently, especially when Floyd was at work, but this time, we failed to ask for permission. Also, he had finished his first day shift (previously he had been working evenings), and was suffering from sleep deprivation. When Floyd is sleep deprived, he often has a very difficult time keeping his outbursts in check. Anyway, he was napping on the couch this particular day, and we had been tiptoeing around the place trying not to disturb him. It was also a muggy day, and being inside was uncomfortable, so we went for a stroll. (And here I am trying to justifying something as benign as a walk. This "need to justify" has become a typical trait of mine lately.) When we returned to the apartment, he was gone, but he called to see if we were back. Below is the transcript from that call. At one point (before the transcribed conversation begins), I told him to calm down or I was going to record his call. His reply was "F*** you!"....so I located the record button on my phone.
I have omitted my name from this transcript (though he yelled it many times).
(He said all this in a SHOUTING, FURIOUS voice.)
(He said all this in a SHOUTING, FURIOUS voice.)
What the sh** you doing?! You don't take my daughter out there and go! You wanna go do your shit, go by yourself! Leave her home! I don't give a SH** if you spread your legs for the whole entire city! I don't care! But I've been there! Listen!! I don't want you to take my daughter around OTHER MEN!!
Me: What men?
WHAT man? Listen. F*** you, you f*****g s****y... LIAR!! You...you...listen!! I'll so F*** YOU!! Listen, I will SC*** YOUR A**! I will f*** you BIG TIME!! Remember this!! REMEMBER this!! I will show you WHO I AM!! What I'm capab...What I am CAPABLE of!! I'll show you. You [something] my phone calls and you
Me: What? [something]
You are gonna lie one of these lies no matter what I say, I saw and I KNOW!
Me: Who is the person?
Yeah, you want me to describe how big his D*** is?! Yeah, is that [unintelligible] what..what you want me to say? [unintelligible]
Me: We weren't with ANYbody.
Listen. Listen. I know you. I know you! You're not gonna pull this shit on me now. I know you. Well, I'll F*** YOUR A** big TIME! I will show you who I AM!! I'll show you! Okay? You're ON! Now the war is ON!
Me: I know, you've told me before.
I'm not gonna kill you! I'm not stupid! I don't kill anybody. I don't kill anybody. I'm not stupid. I wouldn't waste my life on you.
Listen. You wanna do your shit, go. Don't take my daughter WITH you. How many times? You're a f*****g w****! I know that!
Listen. You wanna do your shit, go. Don't take my daughter WITH you. How many times? You're a f*****g w****! I know that!
[Audio breaks up off and on....he starts questioning why I have more than 5 dollars in my possession and so on]
Listen. I KNOW what your plans are!! I know!! I KNOW what you're trying to do! You know what? I'm not stupid! I also have a lawyer who gives me advice and recommendations!
Me: What you're doing. She needs to advise you.
[Pause] Yeah. Well, I know. I know. I'm gonna....I'm gonna surprise your ass big time. I'll show you. The war is on, okay?
This went on for around 6 minutes, so I won't post the entire "conversation." It is just more of the same. It is available on request though.
Here is what I wrote that night:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JULY 20th and 21st, 2013
This is what I wrote July 20th:
Called DV hotline.
Asked for an email address since I can't speak openly. They only do this over the phone, so they suggested I call back when I can get away or during the night while he sleeps.
He still won't let me take her out of the apartment. He is watching Muslim speeches online in the living room and also reading from his "Holy" book and doing his praying. He is in full Muslim garb today. Whenever I step out of the bedroom (for a drink or to use the bathroom), he walks up to me and calls me a slut or verbally reminds me that I have no power over him.
(I'll be adding another call transcript here as soon as I finish typing it.)
****While my son was living with Floyd, Ava and me, Floyd put him through hell. It was during that time also that Floyd started smacking Ava (she was no longer an infant), and that all led to us leaving him. My son (now an adult) will be writing about his experiences with Floyd, and I will post it in this area.****
(I'll be adding another call transcript here as soon as I finish typing it.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
July 31, 2013
Floyd lost his temper and went into another rage. He first got angry in the kitchen because Ava had been wearing a cross necklace hidden in her shirt. His rage was directed at me. He grabbed me by my upper arms and tried to shake me. I got loose and turned to walk out of the kitchen. He pushed me while shouting “shitty ass!” and I sort of rammed into the edge of the counter. I then did leave. He came into Ava's room where I was sitting on the bed and leaned down into my face, screaming at me. He had his fist up and pulled back, as he always does in his rages. Told me to “go to hell! You shitty mother fucker! I hate you! Leave my house! Get the shit out of my house NOW! I’m not having any mercy on you! You are about to see what I can do! Tell your daughter good-bye because you’ll never see her again! You’ll SEE what I’m going to do, you shitty worthless bitch! I hate you! I hate you you shitty ass!” Ava saw the bedroom scene--she had been sitting next to me on the bed.
===================================================================
****I will be posting about not-so-recent incidents in this area.****
====================================================================
****I will be posting about not-so-recent incidents in this area.****
====================================================================
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)