Floyd, like many abusive men, is addicted to control. He must control the females in his household on every level. After driving me into poverty via his abuse of the court system, I felt forced to move back in with him. Money was not the only factor. The main reason was the protection of Ava. I had learned from my attorney that, not only would it be pretty much impossible to get supervised visitation ordered in the final decree, but Floyd would likely end up with full summer visits as well (since we lived across the country). Those visits would have been devastating to Ava. She has never lived apart from me for any length of time, and she would not fair well when put through weeks and weeks of emotional and physical abuse from her father. Without me around to protect her from his tantrums and violent outbursts, she would be extremely vulnerable. Without me around to counter his emotional abuse with consistent affection and encouragement, her spirit would be crushed. Without me there to monitor his physically violent outbursts, she would be backhanded all over her body. And then there was the ever-looming threat of international abduction. He was determined to raise her overseas and force her to convert to his religion. He was driven to do it. He still is....he fears an eternity in hell if he doesn't do this, as it is his religious duty. Given his history of court fraud and abduction, and his shady "lost passport" scheme, the risk was high. I, therefore, agreed to those awful, soul-sickening extended visits. Twice we were threatened into staying longer than the summer, and, this last time, we were stuck there long enough for him to seek a court order preventing us from leaving. He would threaten immediate court action if we went back home to Pennsylvania. Knowing that I faced self-representation (I needed much time to save enough money for another attorney retainer), and also fearing those imminent court-ordered summer visits for Ava without me, I was bamboozled into staying longer than we should have.
At precisely 6 months--the time necessary for Washington jurisdiction to kick in--he served me with custody papers which restrained me from taking her out of the state. He had known we planned to leave in January, and had even repeatedly said it was fine. He had insisted that if we stayed until after the holidays that he would be fine with us leaving. He also insisted that he had been putting in applications out east for gas drilling jobs. He even had me submit his resume to some of those places for him. He kept saying he hated his current job and wanted to leave Washington. He also kept saying that he needed to be in the western U.S. because it would be tremendously easier for his aging parents to fly to him for visits. Other times, he mentioned leaving the U.S. altogether so he could have an easy life working for his rich friend. But, as I said, he ended up serving me with papers forcing us to stay put. This was a huge "control buzz" for him. He was in hog heaven. The occasional outbursts we had tolerated over the previous 6 months turned into a daily onslaught of hellish behavior from him. We were not allowed to go for walks or run errands without obtaining permission. I was not allowed to speak on the phone with anyone--not even my son. I did so only when he was at work. I was most definitely not allowed to have contact with anyone in the area. Even during the first 6 months of the visit, he had prevented this, but now he made no bones about it--I was not to be around anyone or join any groups. Making local friends and/or acquaintances might empower me, and he would not tolerate that. He also consistently threatened me into not reporting his abusive behavior, by assuring me that I would look like a trouble maker. A family court commissioner had dismissed the first case (from January) that I had reported, and he took great pride in that. Even his lawyer had shoved that in my face in the court room by childishly doing the "pulled-down fist-elbow" gesture and saying "Yes!" like a teenager who had succeeded in getting the car keys back. I feared losing custody completely if they succeeded in making me look like a repeated trouble maker, especially since I had pretty much been spat on by the court in that county. I felt like it was absolutely futile to ever report him again. It didn't help that he kept telling me his lawyer "knew" people in the police department and (supposedly) had informed them that I, not him, was the problem.
His emotional abuse of Ava became more and more frequent. He often called her a "loser" or screamed, "Why are you so stupid?" or he would say, "Something is wrong with you!" and then look at me and say, "Something is definitely wrong with her! She is not normal!"....and he said those things for no reason other than Ava acting sad. He told her she would end up working at McDonald's because she is a dummy. If he asked her a math question and she didn't answer fast enough, he'd say, "You are not a good student!" and then say to me, "She's a terrible student! You lied. She's not a good student at all." He would bring home candy and bribe her to give him affection. He kissed her with an open mouth and did so all over her neck, face and mouth. He calls those "slurpies". She hated it. She withdrew in refusal and he would always say, "What? Don't you love your papa?" He got angry with her when he caught her giving me affection. With the bribes no longer working (she was getting older and more "creeped out" by it), he started threatening her by telling her he would kick her mother out of the apartment if she didn't do what he wanted. Those threats caused her so much fear that she would sometimes throw herself on the bed and cry, "Wake me up! This can't be real. This has to be a bad dream! Why is this happening? It can't be real!" I kept consoling her and promising her we would get this all fixed and everything would end up okay. He also begged her and threatened her to sleep with him at night (she always slept with me there). She would promise to do so, but at bedtime she would run to me. He would sometimes come into our room in the middle of the night and carry her to his bed. She always woke up and ran back to me. She did, however, play with him sometimes, when he threatened her because she was in constant fear of me getting kicked out. He often took photos during these play times, so he could prove that they were "close" and to make himself look like a great, attentive father.
In July, he had one of his big meltdowns over an unauthorized walk. I recorded it. I wrote about it here: A Sampling of Floyd's Abusive Behavior When he realized that I had indeed recorded that phone call (he thought I wasn't seriously going to), he went bonkers. He kept us inside and closely monitored. This was when I first got in touch with the local domestic violence people. Through them, I received legal advice from legal aid. I also started going to weekly DV support group meetings and got Ava into therapy (I had previously thought I wasn't allowed to do so).
Suddenly Ava and I were busy. Floyd's radar sounded an alarm. He was not pleased, and demanded to know where we had been on August 8th. We had just returned from our first DV group meeting. I only told him that we'd had an appointment. This is what set off the chain of events that ended up in his arrest a little while later. I won't go into the details here, but before he was finished with his rage, he blew a gasket and threatened to kill us. As in, he had me by the arms, slamming me into the counter, and I asked, "What? Are you going to kill me?" and he replied, "Both of you!" Ava was screaming, she and I ran out the door (she continued screaming), and he panicked. He called the police because, I assume, he worried that the neighbors would be calling them and he wanted to try to diffuse things before he got in trouble. I think he was going to try to turn on the charm and let them know what a psycho trouble-making woman I was (she's crazy. Even her mother hates her, etc. etc.), so they wouldn't look at him as a perpetrator. After speaking with him and Ava and me, they arrested him. I was amazed out how detailed Ava's recall had been. Under the stress, I wasn't nearly as good at explaining what had happened. Ava, unaware of his arrest, was terrified that he was going to come back in. She screamed at every noise outside the door. I explained to her that they had taken him elsewhere for the night, and she almost cried tears of joy. She kept saying, "Is it over? Is my nightmare over? I feel like I'm waking up! I am, I am waking up! It's over, isn't it?" and on and on.
The next day, I received a call from the landlady telling me that Floyd had put in his notice on August 1st, and had asked her to use his deposit as his last month's rent. She wanted to know if I would be renting the apartment or if I would also be moving out. This was news to me. He had intentionally decided to displace me so I would end up in the street and lose custody completely. Ava and I suddenly needed to find somewhere to live. The DV shelters were nearly always full. Some of the women in my group had been waiting for a space to open for quite some time. I had no people in the area, no job in the area, and wasn't allowed to take Ava out of state? In September we were to become homeless with no school district. I still had our airline tickets from January. They were non-refundable, so I had been changing them over and over while we were stuck there. I made the decision to change them again and fly home. It was either that or live in the street with my daughter.
Ava is now back at home with the people who love her, and back in the school she has been missing so much. She is with her old friends again, and has the security that she was begging to go back to for the last year. If we can't stay, she is doomed to a very grim future and more emotional turmoil than I can stand to think about. With Floyd's threats to cut her throat, her life could end altogether. He intends to win his beloved "war" just as he told me over and over. I just don't know if he intends to follow through with killing her or with his threat to remove her from the country. Either way.....the thought is unbearable. The stress is killing me.
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