DV, Abuse, and Child Custody

"DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE, and CHILD CUSTODY:

Legal Strategies and Policy Issues

              Co-edited by Mo Therese Hannah and Barry Goldstein ©2010"

http://www.domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com/

"For more than two decades, protective mothers from every state in the country (as well as overseas) have been ordered to turn their children over into the care, and even the custody, of the children's abusive fathers.  This occurs even when there is adequate evidence of child abuse, domestic violence, and other harmful behaviors on the part of the father.  Courts claim to be doing this to ensure that both parents remain involved in their children’s lives after divorce or separation, but in fact, in most of these cases, precisely the opposite happens:  mothers are denied any meaningful relationship, or even contact, with their children.  In the meantime, male supremacist groups claim unfair treatment in the family courts, seeking shared or total custody in order to avoid paying child support and to maintain men’s traditional control over their partner and their children. "

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"One of the findings you'll learn about in this book is that, of the small fraction (5%) of child custody cases that are contested to trial and often beyond, perhaps 90% involve abuse allegations against the father.  These are not good guys sincerely wanting to raise their children—these are, for the most part, batterers who want to punish, hurt, and control their exes.  Another factor contributing to the surge in men’s filing for custody of their children was the federal child support enforcement law that was put into place in 1993.  In the decade prior to that, male supremacist groups had begun to encourage abusers who had little involvement with the children during the relationship to seek custody as a vindictive tactic against their partner. (We cannot count how many women have told us that their abuser had threatened them with some version of, “If you leave, you’ll never get the kids!”)  Courts who are certain that children do better with both parents in their lives (regardless, apparently, of how sociopathic,  addicted, or mentally deranged the parent may be), are delighted to see fathers who appear to be so devoted to their children that they will fight for them in court."

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Malignant Narcissistic Mothers are experts at psychological manipulation

Breaking The Silence; Children's Stories (2012 bts)

Increasingly, abusers are winning custody of their children.  This is beyond heartbreaking.  






Controlling fathers frequently use custody and visitation litigation as a way to continue the abuse and continue tormenting their exes.  Ava and I have been living this nightmare for years.  Floyd has assured me that it will not end until he "wins the war."  Ava is at great risk of living the horrors of maternal deprivation, and she is in fear of it.

Domestic Violence Victims: Beware the Family Court

This is a great article describing the horrors many abused women face when their domestic violence case is heard in family court rather than criminal court.  I was unaware of this when I faced the biased, heartless commissioner who ruled over me in "X" County, WA.  Also, at the time, I was unaware that she ranks as the absolute WORST commissioner or judge in the entire state.  

(Full article here)


From Women's Justice Center :

".......the family law and family court system remain a flawed and risky venue for victims of family violence. It's especially risky for victims who present claims of violence and abuse in family court without any criminal case documents to back up those claims."

"When victims of violence against women try to deal with a violent relationship in family court, it's as if the victim, herself, is getting into a boxing ring with the violent perpetrator; a boxing ring where the victim must fight it out with her abuser using only her own devises. In contrast, in criminal court, it's the all powerful state that gets in the boxing ring with the abuser.

In family court, the family issue at hand - whether custody, divorce, visitation, or restraining orders, etc. - is deemed a private matter of such minor consequence to the community that the two individuals in a family court case are on their own; each responsible for investigating, preparing, conducting, and defending their own cases. To be sure, they are each free to hire their own private attorney to help them if they wish - or if they can. But this factor also generally serves to further disadvantage a victim of family violence and to further empower a violent abuser, since it's usually the abuser who controls the family funds and can hire a private attorney, and the victim who cannot."

AND:

"In Family Court an Abuser can Launch Free Ranging Counterattacks against the Victim.
In Criminal Court, Counterattacks by the Abuser Are Forbidden or Tightly Restricted.

In family court the two contesting parties are presumed to be equal, basically law abiding individuals who have a disagreement over a private family matter. A core assumption of family law is that family disputes are not criminal disputes. As such, there are few safeguards built into the family court system to protect against the criminal dynamics that dominate family disputes in cases of family violence.

In addition, the accusations the victim makes in family court, no matter how serious, carry no more authority than one private person's say so. Given the totality of this framework, one of the most serious consequences is that when a family violence victim opens a case in family court against her abuser, the abuser is given equal opportunity, not only to fight back against the victim's accusations, but to put forth his own set of accusations against her."

In my case, I had to listen to Floyd's childish, aggressive lawyer bring up completely unrelated things to "prove" to the court that I was nothing more than a bitter woman who was angry about being served custody papers.  She told the court about how I had traveled all over the world, making me sound like some sort of wild, out of control female.  My own, wimpy attorney said nothing in my defense, despite my urging.  I had taken THREE trips overseas BEFORE my daughter was ever born.....during my vacation times.   Three measly vacations in all of my decades of life had absolutely NOTHING to do with Floyd bashing my face into a door frame in a fit of anger.  The (dis)honorable commissioner even brought up my travels when explaining, in her ruling, why she didn't believe me.  Instead, she sided with a man who had a history of fleeing his country to avoid arrest and living in multiple other countries before coming to the U.S. and staying illegally.....a man who, as was proven in THREE courts, committed perjury to obtain custody papers behind my back and ABDUCT my daughter in the middle of the night.  The commissioner also stated that it came down to an issue of credibility.  WHAT?!

AND:

"In family court, no matter how horrendous the violence claimed by the victim, the abuser is free to make any counter charges he wishes against the victim. And precisely because the abusers are, in reality, violent criminals, many seize the opportunity with a vengeance. They hurl all manner of back attacks, true or false, often with false evidence and false witnesses to back them up. You don't have to work with domestic violence victims for very long before you see the endless procession of cases where the batterers easily fashion the family court system into one more weapon he can wield against the victim, and a very sophisticated weapon at that.

For example, consider the case of a domestic violence victim who petitions family court to obtain a domestic violence restraining order against her abuser. Even if the family court grants the victim's request by giving her a temporary restraining order, the court simultaneously sets a date a few weeks hence for both the victim and the abuser to come back into court and to fight it out.

It's at that next court date that the abuser so often comes into court fully armed not only to shoot down her accusations, but also to launch his own set of unrestricted accusations against the victim. True or untrue, he piles it on: 'she uses drugs', 'hits the kids', 'neglects the kids', 'drives drunk', 'is crazy', 'won't get a job.' 'works all the time,' 'is mentally ill', "spends the rent money," and whatever other rant comes into his abusive head.

When this happens, as it so often does, victims who didn't understand the family court system are stunned. They naively appealed to the family court thinking the court's purpose was to protect victims like her from a perpetrator's abuse. She reached out to the court because she was already exhausted by the abuser. Now look! She not only has the burden of proving her own case against a violent perpetrator, she must now also mount a defense against as many accusations as the batterer wishes to hurl against her. And she must do it in an arena that was never really built to deal with, nor protect against, criminal behavior."

I was indeed called "crazy" though there was nothing to back up that accusation....unless going on overseas vacations is a symptom of craziness.  I also had to stand there, with my silent, uncaring attorney, and be chastised by the commissioner about not bruising quickly enough.  My bruises very rarely show up immediately.  I'm a pretty healthy person.  It's an extremely normal thing to not bruise within 30 minutes of receiving blows to the body.  In fact, most of my bruises don't show up until the next day.  NORMAL.  Floyd's own video of me from shortly after the assault showed the beginning of my black eye, but the commissioner did not find that proof enough since the other bruising was not yet visible in the poor-quality video.  

The commissioner also said she did not believe that my claims of abuse at the hands of Floyd in the years prior could be true because.....GET THIS:  I had not reported those incidents to the police, and she had never heard of a woman not reporting a domestic violence assault.  Even my attorney said he was baffled about that statement.

Washington State, in their own guidelines for  CPS social workers, states that many women do not report domestic violence,  gives the reasons for it, and trains their workers to be aware of that.  But this stupid, worthless, harmful commissioner has NEVER heard of such a far-out thing.

AND:

"Family Court Can Take Harmful Actions Against the Victim.  Criminal Court Cannot Take Any Action Against the Victim.

This last distinction we discuss between the family law and criminal law system is perhaps the most ironic. At the same time that the family law system provides only minimal protections for victims of family violence, it also has the power to take devastating actions against them. The most tragic example of this occurs when the family court wrongly gives custody of the couple's children to the abuser (see Part IV). Less severe examples, but more common, occur when victims who go into family court attempting to get the abuser out of their lives, and end up under family court orders that bind her to him in ways that are oppressive or dangerous to her, or to the children."

"....end up under family court orders that bind her to him in ways that are oppressive or dangerous to her, or to the children."

That is exactly what happened to Ava and me.  The commissioner forced us, already extremely vulnerable, into an impossible and dangerous situation by making us stay in Washington State, in the same exact area, with no resources, no friends, no family, no job, and no way to go home where we had complete safety and an ability for me to financially support us.  In addition, she ordered me to vacate Floyd's apartment within 30 days, knowing full well there was no way I could raise the funds or earn enough money to move into a place in that same exact school district in such a short time.  She effectively gave us the choice of being homeless or continuing to live with Floyd.  

By reporting Floyd's assault, I damaged my chances at protecting Ava in the pending custody battle.  I was battered and traumatized all over again by the family court.  I knew I would never be able to report him again (who would want to go through that court room hell again?) , and he knew he was now empowered to do whatever he wanted.  He frequently reminded me that if I ever went to the police again, I would never see Ava again.  He reminded me that the court viewed me as a trouble maker, and nobody would ever listen to me.  

His temper then went unabated.  He knew he had been granted the power to torment us relentlessly and he exercised zero control over his abuse, both physical and emotional.  His rages intensified.  We had to endure it.  There was nowhere to turn.  

Thank you to a failed, immensely screwed-up family court.  

Note:  This commissioner has quite the reputation for putting women and children in bad situations.  She is known for ruling in favor of abusers.  I have no doubt that her conduct should be investigated, and I know that numerous local attorneys would agree.

"Boy abducted in Qatar sends 'get me home' plea to David Cameron" -- Via The Guardian

I cannot imagine the hell this boy is going through.  Heartbreaking!

Complete article here





FROM ARTICLE:

A British schoolboy who was allegedly abducted in Qatar nearly three years ago has appealed to David Cameron to help reunite him with his mother.

Adam Jones was separated from his British mother while visiting his dead father's relatives in the Qatari capital Doha in October 2009. Since then the 13-year-old says he has been kept under virtual house arrest despite attempts by his mother, Rebecca Jones, to free him.

Adam also claims he has been punched and kicked by family relatives. He says he is not allowed out alone, has no internet access and is unable to call his mother. Cameron has written to his Qatari counterpart, Sheikh Hamad bin Jassim bin Jabr al-Thani, and the Arab state's emir to demand that "Adam's voice is heard" and that the case is "speedily resolved".

In a recent letter to Adam, the prime minister pledges that he will personally keep urging the Qatari royal family to ensure that his wish to return to his mother will be granted. Cameron states: "I was very sorry to read that you are still separated from your mum. This must be very hard for you, but I want you to know that you are still in my thoughts. I will keep trying as hard as I can to help you, and I hope your family situation will change for the better very soon."

In a handwritten addendum, Cameron states: "I promise I have not forgotten about you – and will keep trying to make some progress."

His letter followed a plea from Adam, who 11 months earlier had turned to him in desperation. Dated 25 April 2012, Adam states: "It is nearly one year since I wrote to you asking for your help. I was so happy when you wrote back and told me you would do your best to help me get home. Did you forget about me?

"I want to go home now and I'm very sad and lonely."

Adam reveals that he has also asked for Prince Charles's intervention because "nothing has happened and I think no one cares about me".

The alleged abduction of Adam is a continuing focus of diplomacy between Britain and the Arab state, his case having being raised personally by the Queen during a meeting with Thani. The Foreign Office's child abduction section is also involved, with a spokesman saying it recognised the "enormous distress faced by Rebecca Jones in being separated from her son and we sincerely hope she is reunited with him soon".

Yet Thani's written response to Cameron states only that he will try "to find an amicable solution that preserves the rights of all parties involved".

Jones said her son was effectively a prisoner at the high-walled, gated home of his Qatari relatives and was forbidden to visit friends. Even at school, the 45-year-old from Sheffield claimed, Adam was escorted between classrooms and held in a room after lessons to be picked up by relatives.

The ordeal began after she and Adam were invited to visit the parents of her late ex-husband on 3 October 2009. Rebecca was separated from Adam's Qatari father Jamal, who died in a motorbike accident in 2005, but stayed in contact with his family to allow them access to Adam.

On the morning they were due to return to Bahrain, where Jones had taken a teaching job, she said she received a call asking if Adam could visit his sick grandmother. She agreed and a driver picked up Adam. Shortly after, his uncle, Fahad al-Mudhaki, rang and asked to meet her to discuss dividing up the proceeds of land belonging to Adam's father. Although the documents were in Arabic, Jones says she trusted Mudhaki's explanation that they comprised paperwork designed to safeguard Adam's inheritance and signed them. "I just wanted to go home with my son and was not interested in the lands or money my son had been left by his father. It did not occur to me what would happen."

The documents were to be used to kickstart the Mudhakis' custody claim against her. Within minutes of signing, Jones says she realised she had been duped. She alleges that her husband's relatives told her that she had been deliberately deceived: "I'll never forget what Adam's uncle Fahad told me: 'I have lied to you and tricked you, Jamal did not take your son but I will'."

The Mudhakis had made a court order in 2008 to win custody of Adam, confirming to her the abduction was premeditated. A custody hearing was already arranged for 13 October, days after the alleged kidnapping. "I felt sick to the stomach to realise that I had fallen easily into their trap."

Adam, then 10, has been separated from his mother ever since, despite a series of custody appeals and Jones's offer to waive Adam's inheritance. A subsequent hearing ruled that Jones, who also has a four-year-old daughter Alex, is allowed to visit Adam twice weekly, but never unsupervised.

She says the teenager is increasingly depressed. Since being taken, Adam has seen his sister twice, while the Mudhakis refuse to let Adam's British grandmother, 74, visit him.

"For the last three years Alex won't sleep in her own bed," said Jones, "she's scared somebody is going to take her."

Fahad Mudhaki is a senior police officer, a fact which Rebecca believes he has used against her. During her first visit to see Adam, eight weeks after he was taken, she said that 15 armed police officers surrounded the Mudhaki house and Jones was flanked by officers throughout their meeting. She says she has suffered a constant campaign of intimidation, sometimes receiving up to 20 calls a day from police, and each time she enters Qatar to visit Adam is terrified that she might be arrested.

A document from the British embassy in Doha states "the child was kidnapped by his uncle Mr Fahad Juma Abdullah al-Mudhaki, a Qatari police officer".

Jones said: "I've been terrorised and treated as a criminal. We are still suffering every day without our little boy. The pain has not gotten easier as time has passed because I cannot accept what has happened."

Characteristics of the NM

From Sanctuary for the Abused:

Full article here:  Narcissistic Mothers' Characteristics

From Article:

 Everything she does is deniable. 
There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to "help" you.


AND:

Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her. She’s also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She’s very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what she’s done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public. She’ll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”)


AND:

She favoritizes.
Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother’s tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn’t have to do that herself.



She demeans, criticizes and denigrates.
She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person’s side even if she doesn’t know them at all. She doesn’t care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you’re never right.


Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you and others outright that you’re unstable, otherwise you wouldn’t believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative.
You’re oversensitive. 
You’re imagining things. 
You’re hysterical. 
You’re completely unreasonable. 
You’re over-reacting, like you always do. 
She’ll talk to you when you’ve calmed down and aren’t so irrational. 
She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.


AND:

Once she’s constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she’ll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. 
She didn’t do anything. 
She has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. 
You’ve hurt her terribly. 
She thinks you may need psychotherapy. 


AND:


 She’s a liar in too many ways to count.
Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it’s a fair bet that she’s lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she’ll lie to them about what other people have said, what they’ve done, or how they feel. She’ll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility.


AND:

She blames. She’ll blame you for everything that isn’t right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. 
Always, she’ll blame you for her abuse. You made her do it.If only you weren’t so difficult. You upset her so much that she can’t think straight. Things were hard for her and your backtalk pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty.


AND:


Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your narcissistic mother is:
1) Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable. 
2) Manipulating. She’s making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties. 
3) Being selfish. She doesn’t mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way. 
4) Blaming. She did something wrong, but it’s all your fault. 
5) Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours. 
6) Putting on a self-pitying drama. She’s a martyr who believed the best of you, and you’ve let her down. 
7) Parentifying. You’re responsible for her feelings, she has no responsibility for yours.

23. She destroys your relationships.
Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all. In part, these women foster dissension between their children because they enjoy the control it gives them. If those children don’t communicate except through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children’s lives. Watching people’s lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don’t have any empathy for their misery.



AND:


The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her childrens’ relationships. The scapegoat sees the mother as a creature of caprice and cruelty. As is typical of the privileged, the other children don’t see her unfairness and they excuse her abuses. Indeed, they are often recruited by the narcissist to adopt her contemptuous and entitled attitude towards the scapegoat and with her tacit or explicit permission, will inflict further abuse. The scapegoat predictably responds with fury and equal contempt. After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as “concern”) about the other children, again, in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion.

Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious, and she takes full advantage of the opportunity that presents. While she may never praise you to your face, she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She’ll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.

The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.

24. As a last resort she goes pathetic.
When she’s confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness. It’s all her fault. She can’t do anything right. She feels so bad. What she doesn’t do: own the responsibility for her bad conduct and make it right. Instead, as always, it’s all about her, and her helpless self-pitying weepiness dumps the responsibility for her consequences AND for her unhappiness about it on you.

As so often with narcissists, it is also a manipulative behavior. If you fail to excuse her bad behavior and make her feel better, YOU are the bad person for being cold, heartless and unfeeling when your poor mother feels so awful.



Yep.  That's Madge in a nutshell.

Drama-free Christmas without an MNM

ANOTHER HOLIDAY WITHOUT A MALIGNANT NARCISSISTIC MOTHER

From Beyond the Cuckoo's Nest:

The holidays are approaching...yet again.  I still have happy memories of childhood Christmases past.  Occasionally my MNM would feign good behavior for the occasion, but her attempts at mood restraints were always visible.  Still, being surrounded by loving relatives seemed to make up for it.  Nowadays, she carries on the holiday traditions for my brother, the Golden Child, and his little ones.  She also fawns over my eldest son and daughter in an attempt to further alienate them from me.  My eldest daughter only recently got stuck in her grasp because my MNM realized she could use her for her latest plots against me.  That's okay though--only because I have to let go of these horrors that I cannot seem to control.  

I'm sure my MNM will be slobbering over everyone on Christmas Day, as she does frequently on Facebook, hoping it will hurt me, the black sheep.  It is her goal in all she does lately.  Again, I'm fine with that.  I accept it.  

I have been fortunate to find others like me who have been raised by cold, calculating, hateful mothers.  It has helped me realize that I am not the freak I thought I was.  You can't imagine how relieved I was to realize that I wasn't the only girl who had somehow "earned" hate and vengeance from her own mother, though I do feel terrible knowing that other children were--and are--going through such hell.  

My own MNM was an only child who was deeply disturbed from the get-go.  She had me as a teenager and never forgave me for ruining her chances at whatever life it is she dreams that she should have had.  She reminded me of it regularly, and belittled everything about me.  She gave me "the look of huge failure" if I even laughed too loudly.  Long story short, she is a hot mess of steaming emotional shit.

When I, myself, became a teenager, her hate for me intensified.  I wish she had carted me off to relatives like she had done with my brother and like she had done with me many times as a youngster.  My parents divorced when I was 15, and I guess she wanted the child support she was receiving for me, so she "kept" me with her and lied about my little brother being there.  Fortunately, she ended up being gone a lot, as she had enrolled in college classes in the city and started banging a young, smelly druggy.  

She also tried intimately seducing one of my school mates into a sexual relationship with her.  It was a female (underage), who ended up rejecting her.  I remember my NMN screaming horrible insults at her, making fun of her physical traits.  That was extremely embarrassing, as was her new routine of walking around our tiny town in short-shorts, ass visibly hanging from under them, after she quickly dropped some weight.  

Thankfully, I haven't seen the witch for a few years and I'll be having a great drama-free Christmas with people who love me and don't use me as an outlet for their mental issues.  I hope all others who are children of malignant narcissists will also find peace and joy this season and forever.  

There is a future of happiness waiting.  If you haven't already washed your hands of the tormentors in your life, do.  It is the most important gift you can give to yourself.