I suspect there are many people out there who don't realize (on a conscious level) that there are indeed really crappy mothers out there. Though we hear about and thoroughly discuss the Casey Anthony, Diane Downs and Susan Smith monsters of the world, we tend to hold onto a mental picture of most moms fitting comfortably within the "acceptable" range of The Normal People Spectrum.
Unfortunately, a simple Google search shows that these destructive, hurtful mothers are pretty common. They are the curse that causes many children and adults consistent grief, feelings of extreme inadequacy, hopelessness, confusion, etc. Sometimes, these grown children end up understanding the complex, vindictive nature of their moms, and are able to put it all behind them. Other times, the adult children continue to allow the damaging, hateful behavior to continue, either by choice or by circumstances <<<<that's the category I fall in, by the way. And other times, the children spend the rest of their monster mom's life trying to gain her approval and living for little bits of "love-like" behavior from her.
Most of these children, such as myself, feel deep shame. Who wants to admit that their own mother hates them? At 47, I am only now able to freely admit that my mother is a malignant narcissist who hates me, always has and always will. The shame comes from that general belief that most people have regarding mothers being, to some extent, warm, loving beings. In addition, most people think of mothers as being "the person who knows you best." Therefore, I always feared that, if people know my mother hates me, they'll assume that:
1. She is spot on in her (warped, fabricated, vindictive) assessment of me.
2. If she thinks so poorly of me, I must certainly be a really really bad person.
3. I lack credibility.
Though I have not communicated with my hateful, bitter mother in years, I have been forced to deal with her destructive tactics and discuss the topic with others because of a recent crisis that she is fueling and facilitating. If only my own well-being was in jeopardy, I would continue to ignore her existence and carry on with my life. My young daughter, however, is the one who is in danger, and I exist to protect her.
My mother (I'll call her "Madge") has pounced on the irresistible opportunity to use my pending custody battle (with my abusive ex) as the ultimate weapon of total destruction against me. My daughter (I'll call her "Ava") makes the perfect pawn for her. Madge doesn't care about her. She barely knows Ava and hasn't even seen her in over three years. She doesn't care that Ava and I are being bullied and tormented and have been living in danger. She doesn't care that Ava is in imminent danger of being abducted by her abusive father and removed, forever, from the only country and way of life she has ever known. In fact, Madge knows that the more Ava suffers, the more I suffer..... and, of course, my suffering is the end goal.
In order to understand how on earth Madge could want so badly to destroy her child and grandchild, you first need to stop thinking of her as normal. Malignant narcissists aren't fueled by the same needs as other people, and, most importantly, they are unable to empathize.
Over the past few years, my disturbed mother has been on a quest for the elusive "empathy" that she has been witnessing in other people. She never could cry over the deaths of our loved ones. I remember her flaring her nostrils at me when I broke down at funerals, and hastily handing me a tissue while giving me the "annoyed" look. I cannot recall one single instance of her crying about someone else's suffering. Recently she decided to "become" a Buddhist. It's a great cover for her. She slaps Buddhist stickers and emblems on her car, memorizes and quotes Buddhist phrases, and tutors co-workers and Facebook friends on the topic of "compassion." Most people around her probably don't even suspect that it is but a performance for both them and herself because they are never in a situation to see how she is oddly unable to get upset over someone's suffering.
She does, however, cry now and then.......about her own "misfortunes" and screwed up life....usually, in the past, when she feared the local townsfolk were judging her for being an unemployed moocher or when she was feeling juvenile about not getting her way with her own mother....and, in the present, when things aren't going "just so" for her and she blames someone or something around her for not properly pacifying her miserable existence.
Madge has never been a stranger to self-pity. She has found ways to deal with her mental problems though:
1. Drinking rather heavily every evening.
2. Taking antidepressants and benzodiazepines for years and years and years.
3. Mooching tranquilizers (when Gramma was still alive).
4. Openly making fun of Christians and Christianity.
5. Pointing out how inferior other women are, either in public or on TV.
6. **(Her fave)** Trying to destroy (me) her only daughter by using whatever opportunity available.
No, I am not being paranoid. This is really what malignant narcissistic mothers do. They use whatever vindictive means available to dominate and hurt their own child. Think about it. There are some really screwed up people in the world. Some of them just happen to be mothers. If being a psychopath made a person automatically sterile, that would be great, but it just isn't in the cards.
So, some of us have horrible mothers. Some of us having been battling the confusion and frustration that comes with having a malignant narcissist involved in our upbringing.
I'm not finished shaking off the shame, but writing this has helped!
(In other posts, I'll provide more details about the recent sadistic shenanigans Malicious Madge has been up to.)
--By "Ava's" mama.
